


Mr. Bittle’s Meat Pies (Times Are Hard)

by spacepuppies (cabintardlock)



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack Treated Seriously, Dark, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-25 15:53:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7538767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cabintardlock/pseuds/spacepuppies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bitty doesn't have enough meat for his meat pies, Jack just wants to be helpful,  and times are very, very hard.</p><p>A Sweeney Todd (ish) AU, more crack than anything else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mr. Bittle’s Meat Pies (Times Are Hard)

**Author's Note:**

> This is both more ridiculous and strange than I expected it to be. Not entirely well-written or in character, please don't take this too seriously. I just had to get this out of my head, and the idea made me laugh!
> 
> Disclaimer: I own neither the comic Check, Please! nor its characters!

Bitty sighed as he looked over the crowd of people. The bakery was packed, as it often was nowadays, but he had some bad news.

“I'm very sorry folks, but we are all out of meat pies!” He announced, voice clear over the chatter of his customers. Groans of disappointment met his voice, to which he could only laugh.

“You ran out yesterday as well!” complained a familiar voice.

Bitty turned with a smile on his face, saying, “I know, Shitty. Meat doesn't just waltz in here though, times are hard.”

“Yeah, I suppose so,” groused Shitty, an exaggerated pout on his face.

“You know, your mustache is looking a bit shaggy. Why don't you pay a visit to my darling tomorrow, get it all cleaned up? And I promise, we'll have some more pies tomorrow,” Bitty said with a wide grin and a wink.

“It has been getting a bit out of control… Yeah, I think I'll take your advice. I'm sure the missus would appreciate it at least.”

“I'm sure I'll see you tomorrow then. And say hi to Lardo for me, tell her she needs to come in more often!”

“Will do, see ya later!” Shitty called out, already heading out.

Bitty let out a long breath as the door swung closed. His bad mood returned in full as he thought of the empty kitchen, devoid of his necessary supplies. Once everyone was cleared out, he'd have to talk to Jack.

***

“Hold still, or I can't get a close shave,” Jack said, holding the boy firmly by the chin.

“Y-yes, sir!” squeaked the boy. Jack vaguely remembered him introducing himself as Chris. It didn't particularly matter, though.

“You barely have any hair on your face,” Jack stated, turning Chris's face to the side to get a closer look.

“Well, I figured that since I'm 18, an adult now, I should get a shave! Since, you know, that's what adults do, right? And, and, I think I found a couple of hairs in the mirror the other day, you just have to look really closely—”

Jack held up a hand to stop the boy from rambling, looking over the shaking boy with a critical eye.

“You're pretty lean, too.”

“I-I’m sorry, sir?”

“Hmph,” Jack said, shaking his head after a moment of thought. “Go home. Come back in a month, and in the meantime, eat more protein. Maybe then, I can help you.”

“Of course!” he exclaimed, leaping out of the reclined chair. “I will definitely be back!”

Jack sighed as he watched the boy leave the room, making a mental count of how much he'd collected that day. Only 2 people, Bitty wouldn't be too happy about that. In that moment, Jack heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

“Darling?”

“In here,” Jack replied as he began to put away his blades. Each razor had to be carefully wiped off and sharpened before they could be stored away. There was only one thing more important than his blades, and that thing was standing in the doorway.

“Sweetheart, did you let another one go? I just saw him coming down the stairs. You _know_ we can't afford to keep doing that.”

“I know, but he was all skin and bones. You barely would've gotten anything from him,” Jack said, folding up the last of his blades in the cloth before turning to his love.

“At least it would've been something,” Bitty said with a shake of his head.

“I just want things to be perfect for you,” Jack sighed, looking carefully at the ground. Warm arms wrapped around him, and he all but melted into the embrace.

“Oh, you're so sweet, love.”

“I try, for you,” Jack sighed as he rested his cheek on Bitty’s hair.

“I know. We just can't be picky, darling,” Bitty smiled, pulling away after another moment. “The bakery is all closed up, c’mon, let's go to bed.”

***

The next day, Jack woke up surrounded by warmth.

“Are you finally up, mister?” a teasing voice came from his side. Jack turned his head and smiled.

“No, I'm sleeping, stay still,” Jack mumbled, snuggling closer into Bitty's side. Bitty chuckled, laying there for a moment before pulling away.

“Come on, you've got a busy day ahead of you. I sent a couple people your way, so you should have plenty of customers today. And remember honey, don't be wasteful,” Bitty said, tapping Jack on the nose as he pulled himself out of bed.

“Alright, I'm up.”

Jack pulled himself out of bed with a sigh, stretching languidly. He could feel Bitty's appreciative glance on him and held the stretch for longer than necessary. Without much more fuss though, he was dressed and ready for his first customer of the day.

He thought he recognized the first customer that came in, a man with long hair. It might've been someone from the bakery, but he wasn't sure. Jack remembered Bitty's words though, and made sure to make use of every customer he had.

One of the last customers of the day was absolutely perfect, the kind that Jack loved to give Bitty.

“Please, take a seat right there,” Jack said with a wave of the hand. His chair was a point of pride for him, soft leather with an adjustable recline. At least his clients would be comfortable in their last moments.

“Woah, comfy,” the man said, earning a proud nod from Jack.

“Do you know anyone else with the same kind of body type as yours?” Jack asked. He was well aware that it was a strange question, but he was used to the strange looks. It was valuable information that he needed to know, so it was worth it.

“Umm, yeah actually. My buddy, I call him Holster, is about as big as me. Why?”

“No reason.”

The man looked uncomfortable, shifting in the chair before saying, “Listen, if you're trying to hit on me, it's appreciated, but I'm a taken man. So is my friend, actually.”

“No, no. That's not what I was trying...no.”

“Oh, ok. Cool,” he said, leaning back in the chair again.

Jack carefully sharpened his razors, getting everything ready. He required the sharpest edge to do his work. Without realizing it, he began humming to himself.

“Umm...are you singing?”

“Hmm?” Jack said, looking up. “No, I was just thinking. Times are hard, aren't they?”

“Yeah, they are,” the man agreed. That was the last thing he said as Jack moved quickly, bringing the blade across his thick neck without hesitation.

Jack wrinkled his nose in disgust. Blood coated his hands and his blade, dripping onto the floor. He carefully wiped the razor off before pulling the lever on the chair, dumping the body into the basement.

***

“I just don't know what to do, you know?”

Bitty hummed in agreement, trying to keep the smile off of his face. He'd been in a good mood the past few days; Jack had taken his advice, and there had been plenty of meat for his pies. Business was booming, and his customers were happy, for the most part.

“Have you gone to the police?” Bitty asked, sitting down with the slightly shorter girl at her table.

“Yes! Ugh, they told me they would investigate, but they said it was likely he had just run off. Shitty wouldn't do that, Bits, you know he wouldn't,” Lardo said, clutching the glass in her hand with all of her strength. Bitty watched it out of the corner of his eye, half-expecting it to shatter in her grip.

“No, that doesn't sound like Shitty. Do you have any ideas of what might have happened?”

“Not really,” Lardo sighed, rubbing her face. “Two days ago, he told me he was going out to do something, but he didn't tell me what. I think he wanted it to be a surprise, that idiot. That's the last time I saw him.”

“Oh, honey,” Bitty murmured, rubbing her back sympathetically.

“I know he mentioned that he was going to stop by here after, so I thought maybe you would know where he went,” Lardo said, looking up at Bitty with glistening eyes.

“I'm sorry Lardo, I really wish I could help, but I don't know anything. He never came here, so something must have happened to him beforehand.”

“Damn,” Lardo said, her head lowering to the table.

“Hey, I know what might help. I'll get you a nice, hot pie, no charge. Hopefully it'll help pick you up a bit.”

“Thanks Bitty, you always know what to say.”

Bitty smiled as he got up, patting her on the head.

“Anything for you, Lardo. I'll get you that pie.”

***

“How did you do today, darling?”

“Not as many people as yesterday, but it wasn't too bad,” Jack replied, wrapping an arm around Bitty as they lay in bed.

“Good,” Bitty said, his lips curling into a soft smile that Jack couldn't help but lean down to kiss. Before he could, Bitty held up a hand to stop him.

“Ah, no kisses. You're all stubbly, you gave me stubble burn all over last night!” Bitty laughed, pushing playfully at Jack's chest before pausing. “You know, you're pretty muscular. A lot of meat on your bones.”

“I try, for you, mostly.”

“I know, dear, you're so sweet. Hey, why don't I give you a shave in the morning? I've been getting pretty good at it, and it might be easier than doing it yourself,” Bitty suggested.

“You are pretty good at it, you could probably do my job just fine,” Jack remarked with a proud smile.

“Don't be silly,” Bitty giggled, before falling silent. After a few moments of quiet, Jack glanced down at him.

“Is something wrong, Bitty?”

“Oh, no, I was just thinking, darling. Times are awfully hard.”

“Yeah, but,” Jack paused, chewing his lip. “As long as we have each other, right?”

“Aww, you charmer.”

“I love you, Bitty.”

“Oh, honey, I know. Now go on to sleep, and I'll get you that shave in the morning.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for writing this. Let me know what you think? Also, find me on tumblr at [swawesomesamwell](http://swawesomesamwell.tumblr.com/) if you'd like ^^


End file.
